NON-Violent Communication

The biggest disagreement that I have that has effected my life for more then hours is one argument I had with my husbands brother. He lives in Tennessee and we live in Utah. 6 months before the argument we went down to his wedding. It was a fun time but his marriage did not last. 6 months later they were divorce. He came home to his parents house for a weekend to deal with all that he went through. He was into drugs and alcohol. When he did these things he was violent and this is what caused the marriage to end. He also does not have a high regard for women due to his relationship with his mom and other women in his family. We were living with his parents at the time. This was five years ago and we had a 4 year-old and a 1 year-old. The whole time he was here he was rude to his mother and father. My husband had an accident and he and grandpa watch our kids. Anyways so when it was time for him to leave the girls and I were in the house and so was he. My oldest keep asking him if he could do things with her and he would make up a story as to why he could not. The he preceded to tell her lies about when he would see her again. By this time I was done with his lies. I asked him to stop lying to her and tell her the truth. He said that he was not going to do that because it was not fair to the child. I said well your lie will create false hope in her. Then he got mad and we started to have a screaming match. He mom walked in and told us to stop he called her all kinds of  awful names. By this time his dad came in and he tried to break it up but we just continued. Honestly to this day is was stupid but many things caused his reaction to my question. We are still not speaking even now. What I have learned from our resources is that I should have let it go because he was not in the right frame of mind to receive my asking appropriately. He say me as an object and same with my daughter. He was selfish then and still is. When he was home two weeks ago he say he did not need family and all he wanted was acquaintance out of his family. He only sees his side on everything. What I have also realized is why I have be upset with him all these years. I am looking at my self-deception of the situation. My issue with him is the way he disrespects his parents and all women in general. These are my issues not his. I have begun to write a letter to apologize for picking the wrong time to talk about lying to a child. I also am apologizing for my issue with how he was in the past. His parents have told me he has changed and his fiance acts like he has changed. I am still judging him on his past actions. This argument bothers his parents because they want family to get along and spend time together. The problem is that many things have not happen in the past with this family to make forgiveness easy for the boys. I am working on forgiveness toward him but it will take time. I could not apologize until I knew what I had to apologize for. This argument was not about being right or wrong it was about how one person mistreats people who love him. He does not like women who stand up for themselves and many other things. He sees his family and other individuals as objects. I have to look at him as an individual who is struggling to understand his world is not perfect and he cannot control everyone. I as a person need to learn to argue with individuals with a calm more collective way so that the environment can be productive. His dad has wanted me to write him an apology letter since that day but I could not until I understood why. He called me many names and said hurtful things because he was hurting and not in a could frame of mind. This is more about healing things that never should have been. It will take time because he will never admit he was wrong or in the wrong. He parents are pushing and they just need to let it go. We will work it out or not.